


Something to Believe In

by ugandadistrict9



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, Dadsona: Elijah Rae, Fluff and Angst, M/M, NOT cult ending related, Named Dadsona (Dream Daddy), Post-Canon, Slow Burn, this ended up being REALLY not about joseph whoops, this is set post-game after joseph's bad ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2019-03-03 19:05:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13347564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ugandadistrict9/pseuds/ugandadistrict9
Summary: “Joseph and I just … had good chemistry.”“I know. It's the second biggest thing I've always hated most about you.”“Do I even want to ask about the first…?”“The first is how you treated Robert.”I slump down on the bar, dejected. Here comes the lashing.“You lead him on,” Mary continues. “And he trusted you. Then you went and did him -- and me -- dirty like that.”





	1. Margaritaville

**Author's Note:**

> My Dadsona is Elijah Rae, he is bisexual and a good dad who values Amanda over everything else in the world. This is based after you do two dates with Robert, then pick Joseph as your Dream Daddy. On the third date with Joseph, Robert warns you about him and yells at you for dating him. At the end, Joseph basically tells you he’s staying with Mary but still wants to see you on the side. This follows up on that.
> 
> I originally started writing this in first person POV to make it more accessible to everyone's Dadsonas, but I ended up just getting really dedicated to the character so he is kinda specific now. Hopefully y'all will still enjoy.
> 
> This isn't Joseph hate btw he's a good character I just drank 8 gallons of Respect Mary Juice and realistically, my Dadsona would never agree to continue shit with Joseph when he's still with Mary. This is a Robert/Dadsona fic.

“Dad?” Amanda is calling me.

 

I whip around to face my daughter. She’s caught me outside of my room for once.

 

I’ve been spending a lot of time alone in my room this past little while, and I’ve barely gone out. I’ve been trying my hardest not to get Amanda involved in my problems … but there's been a lot, lately. And I know I've been acting awfully suspicious.

 

“Nothing, Manda. I'm just gonna try to get some work done again today.”

 

“Oh. Okay.”

 

I sigh with relief as I close my door behind me. Amanda doesn't need to hear about my issues right now. She needs to be enjoying her summer.

 

I sit down at my computer.

 

I've barely spoken to Joseph since Amanda’s party last week. I know I've been acting depressed, enough that Amanda’s starting to take notice. I told Joseph that I don't want to do that kind of thing, and I was hoping with all my heart that I’d made it clear enough, and things were almost starting to calm down, but today, apparently, he decided to message me.

 

I stare at the Dadbook message.

 

_“_ Elijah”

 

That’s all it says.

 

No hi, no hey.

 

Just…

 

My name.

 

It's almost a question, although no punctuation marks dictate how I'm supposed to read it. I stare quizzically at it for a while, part of me itching to type back. It's a curious message. Normally Joseph is concise with grammar, and typically more wordy and straightforward. This cryptic stuff is reminding me of Robert.

 

Robert…

 

I feel my heart sinking just thinking about him. His words cut like a knife.

 

_“You're both awful.”_

 

I’m overcome by guilt. Robert was trying to warn me, because he cared about me. I look down at the small, faint indent on my hand from when I cut myself whittling with Robert that one night. He’d been so happy. _I_ made him happy. _Me._ And then I went off and betrayed him.

 

I'm hating Joseph more than ever right now.

 

I stare at his message.

 

I wonder what it means.

 

He wants something.

 

I have a pretty good idea of what it is.

 

I don't want that. I close the program and walk immediately away from the screen. I can't deal with this. I close the door to my bedroom behind me, as if that will block the temptation out.

 

I want nothing to do with Joseph any more. Unless he and Mary ever get a real divorce, I'm _never_ laying a hand on him ever again. And even then, I don't know. It's pretty morally wrong to me, what he did. I kind of don't want anything to do with him, period.

 

But despite my resolve, I know that I'm weak. I fell for him. I did. And I'm afraid to speak to him again out of fear that I'll fall. He'll seduce me. Maybe without even trying. I had never even noticed just how fucking touch starved I was until Joseph was undressing me in the yacht. I could feel the softness of his fingers; my body was hypersensitive. I melted into his touches, his embrace, his kisses.

 

Now… I can't stop noticing it. I look down at my hands. I'm lonely as hell. Even with Amanda always by my side… I want company. Different company. A lover. I haven't really been in the dating game at _all_ since Amanda’s mother passed. Little Manda was only eight years old at the time and I couldn't afford to do anything besides be there for her. She was the only thing on my mind for such a long time.

 

I dated two girls and one guy since Alexandra died. They were all very short-lived. The first was one of Amanda’s friends’ moms when she was 11 years old. I was not very interested in her, but she seemed to be all over me. We were both single parents who had to take our daughters to the same extracurriculars sometimes, so she saw us as a match made in heaven. We went on a couple of dates, but I had little interest in pursuing anything with her. But I'm insanely awkward. I couldn't really tell her off. Luckily, they moved away the next year and the awkwardness didn't have to live on. When Amanda was 14 and started going through the hating her parent phase, I was lonely enough to reach out. Twice. One was, of course, another mom. Then, I had the best time ever with a man I met at a bar, travelling abroad from Australia. But it was again just a short fling. Then Manda and I got close again, and I haven't really been with anyone since.

 

I would have been interested in dating more guys, but that's not quite as easy in general, and the aforementioned awkwardness makes things even harder when it comes to social interaction. I also have cripplingly low self esteem.

 

I've never wanted to marry again since Alex. It hasn't felt right. There are too many memories; too many years of bonding between us. It's been so long now. I hardly even miss her anymore. There's just so many other things going on right now… I want simplicity back. Easy life, with somebody who cares about me by my side. I wonder if she's watching over me. I wonder if she’s happy for me; I wonder if she’s proud of me.

 

I wonder if she’s upset about what I've done.

 

I'm leaning against the fridge in the kitchen, staring sadly at a photo of her when Amanda walks in.

 

“Dad?”

 

Her voice is gentle. I realize that I might have just been crying.

 

“Are you … alright?”

 

I set the photo down on the kitchen counter. I’d taken it off of the bookshelf in the living room. The frame is silver, with elegant flowers on it.

 

Respond to Amanda. Why am I not responding to Amanda. I'm making things seem worse. I need to respond. I need to... wipe the tears from my eyes?

 

“Mom,” she says, touching the photo frame now. “I miss her too.”

 

“No, it's not-” I start to say. But then I stop.

 

Where do I even begin?

 

“It's not mom… I… It's Joseph.”

 

That made sense, right?

 

“Joseph?” she’s still looking down intently at the photo. Of course she’s confused.

 

She looks up at me now, something clicking in her brain. “Did something happen with you and Joseph?”

 

“I-”

 

I clear my throat, looking down at the floor.

 

“Yeah. A lot of things, actually. Can we… sit down?”

 

“Uh, sure, pops.”

 

Amanda and I go sit down on the couch.

 

“Now, I didn’t want to get you involved in any of this…” I begin, sighing.

 

“I know how it feels,” Amanda assures me. “You've helped me with my silly Teen Problems countless times, even after I tried hard to keep them from you. I may not fully understand Dad Problems, but I shall do my best to listen, at least.”

 

I smile. “Thanks, Panda. I … I know I don't always tell you what's going on with me, and I'm sorry. I guess I have been thinking of it as Stupid Dad Problems.”

 

“I'm here for you, okay? Team Rae. Now tell me what Joseph did!”

 

“It's,” I sigh, still hesitant, “a long story. And you aren't going to like it.”

 

“Tell me.”

 

“Okay. Um.” Here goes nothin’, I guess. I suck in a deep breath. “You know how I'd been getting close with Joseph lately?”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“And how I spent the night with Joseph, on his yacht?”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“Well… Basically…” I don't like the look on Amanda’s face. She knows my sins. I feel guiltier than ever before. I’m being stared down by a powerful deity of epic proportions. No, not god. My _daughter_. She's been more morally inclined than I have and I can't bear it. I can't say the words, the words she already knows.

 

“Uh huuuuuh.” She is encouraging me to speak on. Why, god?

 

Under the judging eye of my 18-year-old child, I can't keep my cool. But I can't back out of the conversation either. She has to know now. I fidget.

 

“I … slept with Joseph,” I force out the words, curling into a small ball of depression on the couch.

 

Amanda still looks surprised. I can't bear to look.

 

“Spare me your judging eyes, daughter.”

 

“Dad, I'm not-”

 

“You should be.”

 

Amanda pouts, but doesn't argue.

 

“But that isn't all…” I go on. “Basically, on the yacht that night, he told me that he was ending it with Mary. That they'd been talking about it, and it sounded like they were basically through. They had had a fight and Joseph had been living on the boat for a few nights, I think.”

 

“Whoa.”

 

“He told me that he wanted to move onto a new chapter in his life. And that I was the key to that chapter. Happiness. You don't have to be a genius to see that his marriage is failing horribly, and I really wanted to be there for him. And I just, he was cute, and I'm lonely. So that happened. I take full responsibility for my irresponsible actions, even if I was misled by Joseph.”

 

Concern is written all over Amanda’s face. “So, I'm getting that he and Mary are staying together?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“So he lied!?”

 

“Maybe it wasn't a lie; maybe he really thought that that was how it was gonna be. But it wasn't.” I sigh, my heart aching just thinking about it. “He told me.. at your party… the one I threw for you… the news. And he said… something I thought was despicable.”

 

“What… what did he say?”

 

“He said…” I struggle to say the words. “He told me that he’s staying with Mary. For the kids. And for the community. Which is good, I guess. For the kids. But…”

 

“But what? What happened?”

 

“He said that he still wanted to see me, like, on the side, in secret. It just… it made my blood run cold. I can’t believe he would even say that.”

 

“What a son of a-”

 

“Manda…”

 

“No, fuck him. Fuck that. That's gross.”

 

“Amanda Ann…” I begin to scold her for swearing, but I trail off. “No, you're absolutely right. Fuck him.” I need to really be in that spirit if I'm ever gonna get over Joseph.

 

“I'm sorry, but that just … makes me really mad. Mary is such a cool lady. I feel so bad for her. I thought Joseph was cool, too, and I mean, they had their issues, but it was a them thing, not an us thing. It was … okay. I can't believe he would say that.”

 

“I'm sorry to get you involved in this…”

 

“Don't apologize, Dad. This is some messed up stuff. I wanna … be here for you.”

 

“The story… isn't done yet.”

 

“Noooo, he did more stuff!?”

 

“I don't know, really. I haven't spoken to him since the party, apart from once in the street, and he was with his kids, so we just made terribly awkward small talk. But today … he messaged me.”

 

“What did it say?”

 

“Just my name. No punctuation or anything. I don't know if I should respond. It could be serious, or just friendly, but … I don't want what he wants, and I'm afraid, and ... I was crying earlier because … I miss him,” I admit weakly, not wanting to make eye contact with Amanda anymore. I'm embarrassed. It's been made clear that Joseph is being a bad person who I want nothing to do with, and yet here I am, still kinda feeling for him. I feel weak.

 

“And also, Robert,” I continue, while we’re on the train of people I'm crushing on and shouldn't be. “This is about Robert, too. Even more so than Joseph. I caught feelings for Joseph, but, I don't want them. I miss Robert. I fucked everything up with him now. I think he was actually pretty into me. But I went and slept with Joseph, even after he pleaded me not to. I'm so stupid, Amanda, why didn't I see it?”

 

“He … pleaded you … not to?”

 

“Yeah. When I got to the marina, he was there. Waiting for me. He was really, really upset. He yelled at me. He said that he hates Joseph and he doesn't want me around him. He sounded … protective of me, come to think if it. It gave me second thoughts at the time, even, but as soon as he left, and I saw Joseph, and he was being nice to me, I…” my voice trails to a meek, guilt filled sob. “I failed to think with my brain, rather than my heart.” And my dick.

 

“Oh, Dad…” Amanda sounds sad, and concerned. I finally look over at her.

 

“This is why you shouldn't socialize, daughter. This is where it gets you.”

 

“Daaaaad.”

 

“This whole thing is a mess.”

 

“You're right, there. I don't even know what to tell you… But… Do not reply to Joseph. And you should try talking to Robert.”

 

“There's no way… He didn't even respond to my Dadbook messages when he _liked_ me. Dude has his own agenda. And he's just, really depressed, I guess.”

 

“He lives like right next door, though, Dad.”

 

“I can't, Amanda. I'm so bad at socializing to begin with, and, you saw me crying earlier. I'm a mess over this. I don't think I'll be able to handle it if he starts to yell at me again. I don't know how the hell to sort all this out.”

 

“Well, give it some time then. But definitely message Robert on Dadbook.”

 

“But what if he _does_ respond?”

 

“Tell him how you feel.”

 

I don't think he’s going to go for that. But Amanda doesn't need to hear any more doubts from me. I need to listen to her, at least. She’s being helpful and… she's often right. I should try my best to listen to her advice.

 

“Will you help me craft a message?”

 

Amanda and I go to my room, where my laptop is, and I open Dadbook to see Joseph’s message on the screen.

 

Shit, he knows that I read it, doesn't he?

 

It's digging at me.

 

But Amanda navigates to Robert’s page. I sigh at the sight of his profile photo.

 

“You need to tell him how you feel.”

 

“Shouldn't I just start with something like, you know, ‘Hey’ or ‘Can we talk?’ Then if he doesn't respond, I can just avoid being emotionally vulnerable completely.”

 

“No,” Amanda says simply. “You just have to type it out as one big, fat, heartfelt message. You have to put it out there. That way, even if he doesn't want to talk, he'll have to hear you out.”

 

“But… what if he just doesn't read it?”

 

“Father, please. Absolutely nobody can resist reading a text message that’s long enough to go past the preview. It usually leaves off with the ellipses mid-word. There's so much suspense. Even if he doesn't respond… Robert _will_ read that message.”

 

“Okay…”

 

“So, what do you want to say to him?”

 

“I think I know how to start it…”

 

I type:

 

_hey, I know you probably still don't want to talk to me, but_

 

… I turn to look at Amanda. She nods. “But…?”

 

I begin typing ‘I miss you’, but I stop. I shouldn't say that. I just need to apologize to him. I shouldn't make things romantic.

 

_there's some things that I need to say_

 

I look at Amanda for confirmation again.

 

“Period,” she says.

 

“What? Oh.” I finish up that line of the message with the customary sentence ending dot.

 

_first of all, I'm sorry. I should have listened to you about Joseph. I was an idiot._

 

“Daaaad,” Amanda protests.

 

“No, I need to tell him straight. It's staying like that. I think I’ve got this.”

 

_Joseph ended up being just like you said. he’s staying with Mary but he still wanted to sleep with me anyways. he lied to me. he's a bad guy. I should have trusted your judgement. I’m sorry for not listening._

 

I frown, and look up at Amanda. “What else can I say?”

 

“What else are you feeling?”

 

“I…”

 

I'm feeling _feelings_ for Robert, but I don't want to tell him that. It seems to just make everything so much more complicated. But what if he really liked me back? Is there even a chance?

 

“Tell him,” says Amanda.

 

Is she reading my mind? “Tell him what?”

 

“That you miss him.”

 

Embarrassment floods over me. “Manda…”

 

“C’mon, please? I think he's into you, Dad.”

 

“Maybe he _was_ , but now-”

 

“He was, meaning there's still hope. What more have you got to lose anyways? You said he might not even respond. You should tell him how you feel.”

 

I sigh, staring at the message text on the screen. I realize with a great wave of embarrassment that this social media website thing uses the thing where the other person can see you typing. Not unless you're on their message screen, but, still. What if Robert was thinking of messaging me right now, too?

 

I feel hot with shame and anxiety. I wanna finish up this message and send it already before I can start prematurely regretting … any more than I already am.

 

_Robert, I miss you_ , I type, sucking in a big gulp of air.

 

_I want you to give me a second chance, but it's okay if you don't want to._

 

Amanda just watches on silently behind my computer chair.

 

_I understand if you're still mad at me. but I'm having a hard time after what Joseph did and I could really use a friend. you were a good friend before and I don't want our friendship to be completely lost because of me fucking up. I want to try to make things better. I’ve thought a lot about what you were saying at the marina before and I realize you were trying to protect me. that means a lot to me. I'm sorry I was too blind to see that at the time. you cared about me more than anybody else. I care about you, too._

 

Amanda smiles really big. “I think it's really good, Dad. Now finish her off!”

 

Um...

 

_if you read this long message but you don't wanna respond to it that's okay too, I guess. in the end it's me who fucked up and I take responsibility for that and am willing to accept the consequences. I hope you’ll consider at least though._

 

“Is this… acceptable?”

 

“I feel like I'm snooping a little _too_ hard to have read this,” Amanda laughs. “But it's great. Send it.”

 

I hit send on the wall of text and swallow hard. I'm too nervous to sit around and wait for Robert to possibly respond. I quickly close the lid on the laptop before I can dig myself any further into the overthinking hole.

 

“You're doing great, Dad.”

 

“Thanks, Amanda.”

 

I breathe a heavy sigh. I'm nervous imagining Robert reading my message, but I guess I feel a little bit better getting some of that off my chest. I haven't spoken to Robert since Amanda’s party either, and he was short for words then.

 

Amanda and I hug it out, then she goes away to do … whatever she’d been in the middle of when she found me crying earlier on her way to get a snack.

 

I curl up on the couch with a fuzzy blanket and a whole party sized bag of hot Cheetos. Amanda said it'd be good for my healing.

 

Guy Fieri Eats Things: Hawaii is on the food channel. Guy is a pretty funny dude loaded with dad jokes, so I like him. I envy him, though. Travelling the world and eating food, and getting paid to do it sounds like such a dream. He's incredibly unsexy when he eats, too, and I envy him all the more. I can eat things unsexily too! Where's my TV show??

 

Guy rolls up to the next funky joint, and this one just happens to be on the beach. Happy customers are shown talking up the restaurant, sitting in the outside seating area, framed by the ocean in the background, sipping good margaritas.

 

I frown.

 

Margaritaville…

 

Joseph…

 

I think about The Margarita Zone. Amid the chaos of that dwindling youth mixer, Joseph had shown me a little getaway, based on something we talked about _once._  The passion, the interest, and the attention to detail displayed had floored me that day.

 

Except for the whole Jesus Isn't Coming incident, Joseph and I had a really good time together that day.

 

But Margaritaville doesn’t exist. It doesn't exist because it can't exist. We're all going to have problems. It's a part of life. And ignoring them … doesn't make anything better. I'm reminded of Robert again. I’m itching to check if he's responded to my message, but I look up to see Guy Fieri sipping on a “dynamite” margarita.

 

For a second -- just one second, I find myself longing for Margaritaville. For that lost shaker of salt. For Joseph. I imagine it ... Joseph and I, on the beach, drinking gangster, out of this world, righteous margaritas. Together. Just me and him. No problems, no families, no Robert...

 

But it's only for one second.

 

Margaritaville is not real, and Margarita Zone can't happen ever again either. It doesn't exist.

 

What is real, what does exist, is that Joseph is _married._  And he made a decision to stay that way. He had two options. He had to pick between me or Mary, and he tried to pick both. He really planned on having _me_ as his Margarita Zone. A little side escape to all of his real life problems. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

Robert cared about me. Joseph said he’d respect my decision, my right to say no, but now here he is, trying to ‘hit me up’ on Dadbook. I don't want him.

 

Guy Fieri moves on from the margarita place, and I try to relax again, shoveling spicy cheetos down my throat.

 

Eventually, after another episode goes by, Amanda comes out of her room to join me.

 

“Whatcha watchin’, daddy-o?”

 

“Guy Fieri Eats Things: Hawaii. Cheeto?”

 

“Heck yeah.” She takes a handful of crunchy, cheesy junk. “I didn't even know there was a Hawaii version.”

 

We watch a few more episodes of food shows together for a while, but then she catches me yawning.

 

“You should probably hit the hay, huh?”

 

“Since when are you the parent here? I will stay up as late as I want thank you very much.”

 

Amanda rolls her eyes.

 

“Okay, fine, I'm tired, and I'm going to go to bed. But not because you told me to. Because I want to. Of my own accord.”

 

“Okay, Dad.”

 

I surrender my cheetos unto my daughter, and she salutes me.

 

“You go to bed at a reasonable hour,” I say in my best military voice.

 

“I won't,” she says sarcastically.

 

When I get to my room, I’m drawn immediately to my computer. I want to know if Robert saw my message. The laptop is closed and I'm scared to open it.

 

I stand next to the desk for a while, tapping my fingers on it with one hand and chewing on the fingernails of the other.

 

When I open the laptop finally, my message is still the only one there. It doesn't say that Robert has read it. My shoulders sink a little bit, but my anxiety is alleviated somewhat. I'm still not ready to have a hard conversation with Robert, and this way I have some more time. To think it through. I don't want to say the wrong thing to him. He seems easily angered, especially when it come to Joseph.

 

I close the laptop again, letting out a long exhale.

 

I need to go to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written as one thing but I split it into chapters because it was long and I think it makes it easier to read. The chapters are named after songs bc 3/5 of them have songs in them anyways and I thought it was a good idea. Most of them won't be relevant but I'll link the actual relevant ones. This isn't songfic so it's not necessary to hear them, it's just a fun little thing I decided to put in.
> 
> this one is [Margaritaville - Jimmy Buffett](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CICf8xoLyG8). it's referenced in the game but i'd never actually heard it before so if you're like me i'd suggest listening to it.


	2. Thinking Out Loud

I wake up to the grating sound of the smoke alarm going off. The harsh beeping is ear-splittingly loud, and excruciating as nails on a chalkboard. And I thought alarm clocks were bad.

 

I sit up. I can actually smell smoke.

 

Is something on fire?

 

I jump up, suddenly forgetting all about the rude awakening. Something is on fire!

 

“Amanda!!”

 

I quickly pull on my jacket, prepared to make an emergency fire escape, and rush from my room.

 

“Amanda, are you o-”

 

When I arrive at the kitchen, the source of the smoke, I see Amanda waving a towel at the smoke alarm, cursing. All the windows are cracked open. There's a burnt … something in a pan on the stove.

 

“-kay…?”

 

I suppress a cough.

 

“Hey, Dad…” Amanda greets, ashamed.

 

I'm at a loss. I stare at Amanda.

 

The smoke alarm shuts up finally.

 

“Panda, what have you done?”

 

“Hey, I'm going to art school, not culinary school, okay?”

 

“What … were you making?”

 

She looks down sheepishly. “You were pretty upset last night, and I didn't know how to help, so I wanted to cheer you up…”

 

“Amanda what is supposed to be in this pan.”

 

“Judge me not, father… Pancakes.”

 

I let out a laugh.

 

“Well, I'm feeling better now with that knowledge.”

 

She pouts.

 

It was really sweet of Amanda to try to make me breakfast, though. Even if it's 1PM. It warms my heart. Not my stomach, though.

 

“C’mon, kiddo, it looks like the batter is still salvageable. Let's make some more.”

 

Amanda grins. “Yay!”

 

I set aside the burnt mess of a pan and grab a fresh one, turning on the stove element again.

 

“Will you put on a pot of coffee, though, please.”

 

Amanda lights up. “I actually did do that!” Then she pauses again. “Hopefully I got that one right…”

 

I remove the finished pot of coffee and give it a sniff. “Well, it smells like coffee. We'll have to see, though.”

 

Amanda hands me my coffee creamer as I pour myself a cup of the bean juice.

 

“I raised you right,” I say.

 

She laughs.

 

I sip the coffee. It's perfect. It's not too strong, not too weak… Amanda knows me.

 

“Mhm, that's the stuff,” I say. “I love you, Amanda. Now, pancakes!”

 

Amanda and I prepare and consume a pancake brunch together, topped off with nutella and whipped cream.

 

While we wash the dishes, I ask Amanda if she has any plans for today.

 

“Nah, not really. It's summer, Dad! The time to lay low and … do absolutely nothing.”

 

“Isn't it the time to have fun with your friends?”

 

Amanda shrugs. “Not that I know of.”

 

“Well, alright then.”

 

“Maybe later.”

 

I dismiss Amanda from her duties and she runs over and sits down on the couch, starting up a video game of some sort. I return to my room after the kitchen is sufficiently clean.

 

I open up my computer, hoping to get some work done for a change today, and my heart skips a beat.

 

Robert’s chat was still open on my screen, and this time it has the word “read” down in the corner. I gulp. This was recently, too, it shows. I wonder if he'll type back. I pick at the button on my sleeve, staring at the screen for a while, hoping for that _Read 3:04AM_ to become _Robert is typing…_

 

But it doesn't.

 

I’m chewing at my fingers now, anxious as I scan over the long message. How did Amanda ever convince me to write 'I miss you' into this? I feel stupid, but I guess there's no use trying to change the past. I gaze at the screen for a while, anxiously waiting for something to appear from Robert.

 

But nothing does. I shake my head, and go back to the Dadbook homepage and switch the tab over to my Work stuff.

 

Just when I'm finally starting to get focused, maybe an hour later, my computer lets out a _ping!_ and I nearly jump out of my seat.

 

I tense up suddenly. Is it Robert? I'm not ready for what Robert has to say to me.

 

But I have to be ready, cause now it's time.

 

Or not. It doesn't have to be. I can ignore it for as long as I like, I decide. He seems to be just fine doing that to me. Yup, I'll ignore him.

 

But the Dadbook tab only has to flash it's (1) at me once before I'm immediately clicking on it.

 

It’s…

 

...Joseph.

 

My heart rate is going up now as I click onto the message.

 

 _Elijah, please._ , it reads.

 

I'm sweating. My breath catches in my throat.

 

No no no no no no no no, go away, I don't wanna talk to you.

 

It pings again.

 

_I know you're ignoring me. This has read receipts._

 

Okay, what the HECK are read receipts!?

 

Oh, I realize quickly.

 

He just means that it shows him when I've read his message … I knew that it had that, I just never made the connection to the term. Even when Amanda said it to me before. Why is it called a receipt? That’s a dumb name. I try to come up with something else to call it.

 

The computer pings again, interrupting my train of thought.

 

 _I just want to talk_.

 

I suck in a long breath. I have to answer now. He knows that I'm reading this… and he'll probably keep pestering me if I continue to ignore him. And there’s not even a chance of me not opening any of his messages. I'm too curious.

 

I begin to type, but I really don't know what to say. I'm at a loss here. Let's keep it simple. Concise.

 

‘What do you want?’ … no, too long. ‘What's up?’ ... too casual. ‘What is it?’ …… Yeah!

 

I debate whether or not to use punctuation. I decide that it best conveys my tone to finish off the question with a period rather than a question mark.

 

_what is it then._

 

Joseph takes too long to respond. Or maybe I'm just anxious. It's only been a minute.

 

Joseph: _Why are you avoiding me?_

 

Elijah: _you really don't know_

 

I'm just annoyed at this point. Joseph knows damn well why I don't want to talk to him.

 

Joseph: _Okay… I do know._

Joseph: _But I want you to give me a chance. At friendship, at least._

 

I'm annoyed. I'm really annoyed. I don't even want to give Joseph the time of day right now… but I ought to. I hardly have a choice.

 

I know how it feels to have your messages left on read by someone you have feelings for. And Joseph was one of my few good friends before.

 

I'm still not sure whether or not that's a reason to look past his behaviour. If a friend doesn't treat you well, you aren't obligated to stay friendly with them, right? But it's also more complicated than that.

 

I sigh. I type him back a message:

 

_Fine._

 

I lean back in my chair, watching the dots go up and down as Joseph types me back. I fiddle nervously with my sleeve buttons some more.

 

Joseph: _I miss you._

 

As much as I hate Joseph for pulling me into his adultery, I feel my heart pang at these words. I miss him too. I don't want him to miss me, though. Stop it.

 

Joseph: _As a friend._

 

I sigh. That is all he's allowed to be, and luckily, he knows it damn well. And I'd like that. It’s just … I don't think it's possible for Joseph and I to be just friends. There's … too much. He didn't say ‘with benefits’ but the connotation is too heavily implied for my liking. I’m not okay with that.

 

I hold a hand to my reddening face. I've had enough raw emotion for today. But I shouldn't just ignore him…

 

Elijah: _I don't want to talk about it right now._

 

I swallow hard as the reply from Joseph comes back. But all it says is:

 

_Ok._

 

I stare for a few minutes. It looks like he might not actually send me anything else. I walk away from my computer. My head is swirling with thoughts of Joseph … and _Robert_. You don't date for ten years and then suddenly you find yourself caught up in goddamn complicated love triangles. God. Dammit.

 

It's not quite a love triangle… I have my mind made up against Joseph. But I don't know if Robert will even want to talk to me ever again. It's all so complicated.

 

I can't stay here by myself like this. I want to go out and get some fresh air, but I'm more than a little afraid of running into Joseph again.

 

I leave my room and walk into the living room to see Amanda, still on the couch.

 

“What are you playing?” I ask half-heartedly, standing next to the couch.

 

“Crusader Kings 5: Total Death and Destruction of Everything.”

 

“This… looks like Mario Kart.”

 

“...Yeah, it's Mario Kart.”

 

I watch for a bit. Amanda is really good at it.

 

“Did you want to play?” Amanda asks, noticing my interest.

 

“Later, maybe. I need to go out and get some air.”

 

“Did … something happen?”

 

“No, everything’s okay,” I fib.

 

She doesn't seem to buy it at all. I can see it on her face. But she doesn't pry. Thank god for supportive daughters.

 

I start slipping on my shoes, and Amanda says bye to me. “Well, have fun, Dad. I won't burn the house down while you're gone this time.”

 

“Good man.” I flash a small smile at her before I go out the door. “I’ll be back before dinner, Manda. Love you!”

 

I stand on the porch for a bit after closing the door behind me. I don't even know what my plans are. I was thinking of going for a walk, maybe. But… What if I run into Joseph? I mean, he lives right next door. He could be watching me right now. And Robert… lives right next to Joseph. I cringe. I don't even want to make awkward eye contact with either of them.

 

I decide to go for a drive. I hop in the car before I can worry about Joseph and Robert and _Mary_ , oh god I wasn't even thinking about Mary but now I am, wow, she hates my guts. I got her into all of this mess, too.

 

I shake my head as I start the car. I need to stop. I need to unwind and relax a little. I switch from the radio to the CD drives in the car. There's a few, and I flip through them to see what's in. I land on some pleasant ‘80s pop and drive off. I don't have a destination in mind. I just need to clear my head. I crank the music.

 

I quickly find myself at Robert’s 'thinking spot.' I feel almost guilty to be here without him.

 

Some part of me hoped I'd see him here, I guess. But I'm alone. It's better that way, probably.

 

I get out of the car. I stare down at the city for a while, leaning against the vehicle.

 

The fresh air is still too hot and summery to really be all that comforting. I relish in the faint breeze hitting my face. I think for a while as I stare. This whole thing sucks. It's a mess.

 

After a while of staring, my mind thinks back home. To Amanda. I said something about dinner. Do we even have anything for dinner at home? Maybe I should go to the store.

 

I should text Amanda and ask.

 

I do.

 

I pocket my phone and look down at the ground. There's small scraps of wood from Robert’s carving. He’s been here recently, I guess. This is his spot alright. I smile sadly. I had fun whittling with him.

 

I grasp at my pocket, remembering I still have his knife. I take it out, flicking it open. I examine it. I think about whittling at a stick myself, for fun. But then I remember Robert’s impressive first aid kit he had in his car. I don't have anything like that. Maybe a bandaid somewhere in the car, but… I could hurt myself doing this alone.

 

I close the knife and pocket it again, keeping it safe.

 

With one last longing look, I get back into the car. I drive around for a while, blasting some cheesy ‘80s songs. I'm in pretty good spirits after a while, even singing along a little bit.

 

When I eventually find myself at a traffic light, I look down at the time. It’s 6pm. It's still light out, so I wouldn't even have thought about it. What time even was it when I left?

 

I should get home to Amanda. She said we could make dinner together. I smile at that. I love Amanda.

 

I'm in a pretty good mood as I drive home with the thought of my daughter on my mind.


	3. Man, It's So Loud In Here

…

 

It's been three days since Joseph last messaged me, and I haven't seen hide nor hair of Robert either.

 

I've had a lazy few days, some with Amanda and some without. She’s hanging out with her friends again tonight. I might finally be getting over my fear of going out now. My concern for Robert is starting to surpass my fear of making awkward eye contact with him at the Coffee Spoon. I'm almost hoping to run into him now, just to see if he's still alive. Still scared to see Joseph, though. He might say something weird in an awkward attempt to rekindle our friendship. Yuck.

 

So I still can't go to the grocery store without Amanda, and we're all out of milk. Awkward encounters in the grocery store are by far the awkwardest of all the awkward encounters that exist. Basically, if I ran into Joseph there, I'd spontaneously combust. And die. It's not happening.

 

I’m on Dadbook, reading over the message I sent Robert again. Why didn't he respond? I want to send him another message ... but I was annoyed when Joseph did that to me, so I stick to my better judgement.

 

I'm glad that Amanda is out enjoying her summer with her friends, but of course, it leaves me alone. With my thoughts. And no milk.

 

And I'm feeling like having a drink. I haven't been to Jim and Kim’s once since the whole yacht incident. We're all out of beer, too, I find. I ponder going out to the liquor store, but oh god, no, the liquor store is ten times worse of a place to run into Joseph than the grocery store, yup, no.

 

Joseph … wouldn't be at Jim and Kim’s. Mary goes there. _Robert_ goes there.

 

A spark of hope in me flares.

 

Maybe I’ll see Robert.

 

Without even thinking, I'm slipping on my shoes, and grabbing my light jacket. It's summer, and it's still hot out, but I wouldn't wanna be stuck without it. I clutch the pocket with Robert’s knife in it. I hope to see him at the bar.

 

I walk down to Jim and Kim’s.

 

With all my worries about Robert, and Joseph, I completely failed to consider a certain key factor in this whole ridiculous situation. As I'm ordering my drink, I make eye contact with Joseph’s _wife_ , Mary Christiansen.

 

Her face betrays no particular expression. She looks bitter, but she always looks that way. She gets her drink and retreats to a spot in the back. She's sitting alone. I normally don't see her like that.

 

I don't know whether to ignore her or not. She doesn’t look happy with me, but her demeanor doesn't scream ‘fuck off’ either.

 

I feel like I should try to talk to her, but I'm unsure how to approach. If she's alone … does she want to be left alone? Or did she make eye contact with me on purpose to get my attention? Does she want me to talk to her?

 

I'm no good at reading these situations, but both my gut and my brain are telling me: _go make amends._

 

I swallow hard.

 

I slide into the booth beside her.

 

She says nothing.

 

“Mary, I…” I trail off. I don't know what to say. I have to say something at least. I owe her that much. “I owe you an apology.”

 

“Yeah, you do,” she says.

 

“Mary, I’m sorry. I am. I'm sorry about Joseph.”

 

“Sorry about Joseph,” she echoes coldly.

 

“I'm sorry for ... what I did. There's no excuse for it. I didn't want it like this, but … I still did what I did, and it's inexcusable.”

 

“You're right. There's not an excuse. You should apologize to him, though, not me.”

 

Apologize to Joseph? When this whole thing is pretty much his fault??

 

“What?” I ask. I'm dumbfounded.

 

“He's been miserable lately. More so than usual. He misses you.”

 

I sink down in my chair. “I …”

 

“I know, you're sorry. Save it, kid.”

 

“No, I... I don't understand.”

 

“You're an idiot.”

 

“I-” But before I can defend myself from Mary’s abuse, she goes on.

 

“Joseph's one too.”

 

I look up from where I was depressedly gazing into my drink. “What?”

 

“Joseph has feelings for you.” Mary sounds more aggravated by my quote-unquote ‘idiocy’ than my actual actions here. “He’s been all mopey since he came back to me. Despite coming back to me… he…” She sighs. “It's hard to watch.”

 

“I mean, I miss him too. I get it. But…” I struggle to put words to what I'm trying to express. “We can't ... be together.” I gesture to her with my drink. “For obvious reasons. And I don't want anything to do with his cheating business. I can't do that. To anyone. Especially not you, Mary.”

 

She looks … surprised at my genuineness.

 

“What, did you really think I was that bad of a person?” I’m talking without thinking.

 

“You slept with a married man,” she refutes.

 

“I've seen you hitting on countless guys.”

 

“I never said I was a good person either.” Mary sighs heavily. She looks exhausted.

 

“No, Mary, I…”

 

“Elijah, it's okay. I get it.”

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

She orders us another round of drinks. Vodka shots, this time.

 

“Here's to sucking as a human being,” she toasts. She doesn't wait for me to clink my glass. She downs hers and immediately commands another. I'm honestly in the mood to follow suit. And she can see it in my eyes. She orders me another one too before I've even started the first.

 

She eyes me up.

 

I shoot back the first vodka. Mary has on an expression that’s as close to smiling as I've ever seen on her.

 

We keep on drinking, and we don't talk for quite a while. We both know Robert is right about silence.

 

Robert…

 

“Mary,” I say finally, after we’ve started on some real drinks.

 

She ‘hm’s at me, not making eye contact.

 

“Ro-Robert…” I stammer. Why am I already sounding incoherent? I haven't had _that_ much alcohol. “Is Robert okay?”

 

“So you wanna talk about Robert now.”

 

“Yes, I… I care about him. And he hasn't responded to my messages. I'm worried.”

 

Mary raises one eyebrow at me. Now I'm sadder. I've always wanted to be able to do that. “Have you ever known Robert to answer messages in a timely fashion?”

 

“Well, no, but… this is different. I need to talk to him. And…”

 

“How’s it different?” she asks. “If anything, he'd want to talk to you less than usual right now, so, I’d say it makes sense to me.”

 

“But-” I start to protest, but I know she’s right. I sigh heavily, and Mary looks … almost … sympathetic? “How can I talk to him? I need to … make it right. Like I did with you.”

 

“Did you do that? I can't remember.”

 

“Well, I said I was sorry. But I guess it's fair if that's not enough. I… I wish there was something I could do to make it better, but I know there's just not.”

 

She looks at my depressed expression, and she softens. “I know, Elijah. I-” She sighs, saying the next part quietly: “I'm not mad at you. It's not really your fault.”

 

“Joseph and I just … had good chemistry.”

 

“I know. It's the second biggest thing I hate most about you.”

 

“Do I even want to ask about the first…?”

 

“The first is how you treated Robert.”

 

I slump down on the bar, dejected. Here comes the lashing.

 

“You lead him on,” she continues. “And he trusted you. Then you went and did him _and_ _me_ dirty like that.”

 

Despite the fact that none of that was my intention, it's undeniably true. And the truth stings.

 

I wonder if Mary knows about Robert and Joseph. I'm starting to get drunk enough that at this point I'm afraid it's going to just slip out, so I seriously consider asking straight up. But I can't do that. What if she doesn't know. I'll frame her good friend Robert as a homewrecker as well, and her life will be totally ruined. But I _have_ to know.

 

“Mary, did…” I hesitate, trying to phrase it in a more nonchalant way. “Did Robert and Joseph … ever … like … ya know…...”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Who told you?”

 

I squirm a little. “Joseph. On the yacht. Um. Because Robert-”

 

“He came and tried to stop you, I know. He told me. He was upset.”

 

I sink further into my seat. “Oh,” is all I can manage.

 

“Just keep drinkin’, kid.”

 

I sip at my glass. It's awkward and hard without sitting up but … someone’s gotta do it. Wait. That's not true. I could just sit up.

 

But I'm depressed.

 

This is a depressed slump.

 

I remain slumped.

 

“I miss Robert…” I admit quietly as I put my drink back down on the table.

 

Mary looks sad. “I know.”

 

We fall silent again.

 

“Robert… talked a lot about you,” Mary says after a while, looking down wistfully into her glass. “He… he really liked you. I've never seen him so animated. Not about anything.”

 

My heart aches imagining Robert talk about me. It's one of the sweetest things I've ever heard and … it's depressing.

 

“I liked him, too,” I say, tracing my finger along the rim of my glass.

 

Mary looks sad. Really, really sad. “I'm … sorry about Joseph.”

 

It's what I had said to her earlier. But it's different this time. I was sorry that I slept with him. She was apologizing … for _his_ actions. As if it was somehow her fault.

 

“Mary, that has nothing to do with you. It’s not your fault that he-”

 

“I know. I know. But … I can't help feeling like-”

 

“Mary…” I sit up straight now. “You can't blame yourself.”

 

“I _shouldn't,_ ” she corrects me. “But I can.”

 

“Maryyy.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“No, not whatever. Mary...”

 

“What _ever,_ ” she repeats, firmly this time. She’s reminding me of Amanda now.

 

I fall quiet. I don't even know how to argue with her. I wonder about Joseph, and if this has happened often between them. I wonder for the millionth time why they're still together. But it's not my business to pry into their relationship… any more than I already have. I want to be Mary’s friend, though. She gets on spectacularly with Robert despite his … similar history with Joseph. So it's still not looking too bad for me, really.

 

We drink in silence for a little while.

 

“How can I make things up to Robert?”

 

“I dunno. You should talk to him.”

 

“But he won't reply to me.”

 

“Knock at his door.”

 

“But I'm awkward and have crippling anxiety. And I can't just turn up uninvited.”

 

“Invite him out for drinks.”

 

“....But I'm awkward and have crippling anxiety.”

 

Mary is rolling her eyes. “Eli,” she says. Holy shit, is that a nickname? Have I just gained nickname status with Mary???? “I think it's been long enough that he’ll be okay to go and have a drink with you and not be weird.”

 

“ _I_ will be weird though. I really need to just have a good talk with him.”

 

“Rob’s a little weird,” she sighs. “I don't know if he'll ever really be ready to ‘just talk’. I think if you sit with him long enough, if it's bugging him, it might come out.”

 

“I was … actually hoping to see him here tonight. I thought I held a good chance of running into him. But it was you instead. Which is just as good, if not better. I needed to make amends with you, Mary…”

 

“I'm glad you made yourself feel better, kid.”

 

“Hey, but you said-”

 

She interrupts me with a laugh. “No, I’m messing, I’m not mad anymore. Jeez. It's okay. I think we might be cool.”

 

I'm not sure if she means it or if she’s just really drunk. What is this, like drink number 7, now? And I have no idea how long she’s been here before I got here. But I'm happy to accept what she’s saying anyhow.

 

“To be real for a sec here, though,” she continues, swirling her glass around thoughtfully. “At first I was thinking, like, ‘Ugh, Joseph’s head-over-heels for you, and now you want Robert, too? What will I even have left once you take everything away from me?’” Mary’s words sting me a lot despite the fact that they’re hypothetical and she has since changed her mind on them. “But now, I'm like, well… You didn’t ask for Joseph. None of that is your fault. And Robert was already yours. He loves you.”

 

A blush is creeping onto my face.

 

She goes on: “Notice how I said ‘loves,’ not ‘loved’?”

 

I can't help the dumb smile I'm breaking into. “You can't be serious.”

 

“Eli, I _know_ it. I may be, like, wasted right now, but Robert loves you, okay? I know things. I'm smart.”

 

Mary polishes off yet another drink, setting the glass down rather loudly, with emphasis.

 

“I don't know if Robert will be ready to be with me after … all this,” I say. “I'm not even sure if I'll be ready to be with him.”

 

“You need to at least make amends.”

 

I like that she used my word from before. “Agreed.”

 

She offers me another drink, but I decline. My head is starting to feel real fuzzy, and I don't really plan on becoming sad-drunk.

 

She calls me a nerd and we go back to being silent for a while. But surprisingly, it's her breaking the silence again this time.

 

“Uh, hey, Elijah? Did you say you were ready to talk to Robert?” Mary looks both concerned and distracted.

 

“I mean, I don't really know if I'm ready, but, I want to, so, I guess, why?”

 

“Good, good...”

 

“Mary?”

 

Mary looks distracted by something, she isn't looking at me. She’s looking kinda behind me. I wonder if… oh no.

 

“What, do I not get invited anymore?” Robert’s voice suddenly so close to me makes me jump. He doesn’t address me, gesturing to me only and asking Mary: “What’s the kid doing here?”

 

My heart’s pounding fast. Robert has always been tall and dark and intimidating. But he looks angry right now and … I'm unprepared.

 

“It was sort of an impromptu meet up, believe me, I didn’t invite the kid either.”

 

Mary’s hurtful words actually come as a surprise. We'd been friends a moment ago, had we not?

 

But before I can protest, Mary goes on, softening on me a little…

 

“He saw me, and he came and apologized to me.”

 

Robert’s gaze flickers to me. He seems to be sizing me up for bad intentions.

 

“It was actually pretty cool, and I’ve … decided to forgive him,” Mary says.

 

“What?” Robert starts to protest. But Mary raises her eyebrow at him (goddammit) and he shuts right up. He scoots in beside Mary in the booth, looking relatively defeated.

 

I'm surprised. He orders a drink. We stay silent. I'm nervous as all hell. I fidget with my shirt sleeve buttons, below the table so that Robert can't see it.

 

I want to say something to him, and badly, but I know how he feels about silence. I can't break the silence at all if I risk saying the wrong thing.

 

When Robert gets his next drink, I get one too as I start to feel awkward sitting there with nothing to even pretend to do.

 

“Wanna get out of here?” Robert asks after what feels like ages.

 

I look at Mary for an answer. She’s already rolling her eyes at me.

 

“Uh… yeah...?” I try.

 

Mary shakes her head. “I oughta get home, actually. You know, kids and whatnot.”

 

“What!?” Did I say that out loud. “I mean, yeah, ok… cool… cool...”

 

Mary shoots me a sympathetic look.

 

Oh.

 

She wants me to be alone with Robert.

 

I appreciate it. I'd very much like her support in this situation, though.

 

“You sure you can't stay for just a little outing?”

 

“No,” Mary says flatly.

 

Well damn.

 

“Okay…” Robert seems visibly a little uncomfortable too, but he's rolling with it. “Do you want us to walk home with you, first?”

 

I imagine Joseph seeing the three of us together, and I know Mary’s thinking the exact same thing as she shakes her head no.

 

“Nah, I'm good on my own. You boys go have fun.”

 

Robert gets up first, and Mary follows, then me. I haven't finished my drink, and I don't feel like drinking it, but I don't feel like wasting good money either. I down it before I can think about what I'm doing.

 

Mary waves bye to us outside, and now I'm trailing behind Robert off in the opposite direction to the cul-de-sac.

 

“Uhm, so, where are we going?” I ask.

 

Robert only huffs in response. He's walking really fast. I'm having a lot of trouble keeping up, with the amount of alcohol I have in me.

 

I follow him all the way to that other bar, the one we came to last time he insisted on “bar hopping” with me. Cool. I'm super not feeling like alcohol anymore. I'm hurting all over just from the walk here.

 

Robert orders us drinks.

 

I watch as he drinks his, feeling sick just thinking about it.

 

He says nothing. _Nothing_. He's sipping his drink, too. Slow. My heart is beating way too fast and I'm sweaty. The combination of alcohol and anxiety is getting to me. I can't pretend to sip this whiskey any longer. I order a water. Robert still says nothing.

 

When Robert is finished his drink after a while of slow sipping, he finally, _finally_ says words to me.

 

“Not thirsty?”

 

Not thirsty? I just chugged a glass of water... He’s asking me why I’m not drinking alcohol.

 

“I had a lot already.”

 

“Hmph.”

 

I'm screaming internally now. Robert please say something to me talk to me please for the love of fuck.

 

He doesn’t.

 

I suck in a deep breath, and he sees me do it, and it's awkward, it's really awkward... I go back to uncomfortably sipping at the alcohol.

 

But it doesn't last long. The words are itching to come out of me. And the alcohol might be, too.

 

“Why did you never answer my message?”

 

Robert grunts. “When do I ever answer messages.”

 

“That's what Mary said too,” I sigh. “But I want to know what you think, I was spilling my guts, okay?”

 

“You said it was okay not to answer.”

 

“I know, but…” I trail off. I put my head in my hands. I'm so embarrassed. I don't even know why anymore.

 

“You and Mary were talking about me?” he asks.

 

I look up at him. He’s looking at me in the eyes. I bite my lip. “Yes…”

 

“So, you guys are, like, buds now or…”

 

“I don't know. There’s so much going on, and … I'm really drunk right now. I'm not even sure if this is happening.”

 

Robert looks down into his drink. He almost looks embarrassed. “What do you want to talk about?” he asks finally.

 

“Look, Robert, I…” Now that I'm presented the opportunity to finally talk, I'm clamming up. “This whole thing. It's a mess. I want to apologize again for not listening to you about Joseph…”

 

Robert is quiet for a moment. His expression is hard to read, but it's definitely more in the sad ballpark than the angry one. I'm happy for that much.

 

“Joseph is a dirty guy," he says. "I meant what I said. I don't like how he treats Mary. Mary’s not ideal, I guess, but, she’s got a bigger heart than anyone I know. I hate people that go around screwing with no feelings involved, and I hate cheaters. He does both.”

 

“I think Joseph… really did have feelings for me, though. And that makes it worse.”

 

“God dammit. I know.”

 

“I'm sorry, Robert.”

 

Robert grunts again.

 

“I… Robert, can we… talk…?”

 

Robert glances once up at me from his drink. He looks unhappy. “We’re talking right now, aren't we?”

 

This isn't going to get me where I want it to. I need a better approach. Something more … Robert. But I'm not funny like him. I can be pretty good at playing along, but I have trouble coming up with jokes like his unless he starts them.

 

I hope that he remembers what it said in my message. I hope he knows I've missed him. And that I'm happy he's with me right now. I can't tell him, but I guess I could show him a good time, at least. He looks like he hasn't showered in _weeks_ , and he’s obviously unhappy. But he's not mad at me. He's sitting with me right now. And I'm grateful.

 

“Wanna … hit the pavement?” I ask him.

 

He looks me in the eyes. He holds the eye contact for a little too long. It's almost like he wants something.

 

“Cool, yeah.” There's a hint of smile in his voice!!

 

We pay, and leave the bar. The fresh air feels indescribably good on my face and my entire body. I have had too much alcohol.

 

I don't know where I want to go, but I start walking in a direction, because now Robert expects something from me.

 

I don't get very far before he calls me out on it, though.

 

“You sure you know where you're going?”

 

“Um, no,” I admit. “I mean, yeah, I'm sure … that I don't know where I'm going.”

 

“How much have you had to drink?”

 

“Too much, I think.”

 

“Right on,” he smiles. “C’mon, let's go this way.”

 

Now I'm following Robert again. I haven't got a clue where we are at this point, and I'm stumbling about drunkenly. Robert seems to be getting a kick out if it, actually.

 

He catches me once when I almost trip up the curb…And another time when I almost trip down it.

 

“You have strong arms,” I whisper to him as he’s correcting me upright after I trip over my own feet.

 

To my surprise, he actually chuckles at that. He seems to be … having a good time.

 

He flexes for me.

 

“Hot,” I tell him.

 

He laughs. “These bad babies? You can thank the countless hours of soap making for these. And masturbating, I guess.”

 

We both laugh.

 

He lets me hold onto his arm after he’s finally seen enough of my dangerous stumbling.

 

I slip my hand into his and try to act like it was unintentional. I don't know if he's buying it or not. He doesn't protest, though, which makes me pretty happy.

 

“Where are we going?” I ask after what I assume is ‘a little while.’

 

“Home.”

 

“Wait, really? How far away was that bar… wait, are you joking? I can't tell with you right now… Robert… Do you actually make soap?”

 

“Oh, totally, Elijah.”

 

“Robert don't be mean I am very intoxicated.”

 

“Okay, fine... We're going out into the forest, where I'm gonna gut you, and harvest your organs.”

 

“...No, you're not.”

 

Robert shrugs. “I might. Haven't decided yet.”

 

We fall silent for a second. I stop walking.

 

“You're not, though … Right?”

 

He laughs again. “You're lucky you're so cute, ‘lijah, cause you're dumb as a fucking board.”

 

‘ _Lijah_ …… Is the cutest thing that anybody has ever called me in my life. I think I’m melting.

 

I soon find that Robert wasn't joking at all, and we’re back in the cul-de-sac. Maybe it's because it's dark, or because I'm drunk, but it felt like we were going in the opposite direction. Or just walking for way too long. Maybe Robert was leading me around in circles just to see me stumble. Or to spend time with me… Probably to see me stumble though.

 

He walks past his house. Past Mary and Joseph’s house. We’re standing at my doorstep now.

 

“Oh man… I really thought we were gonna be doing some more wild stuff tonight. Like when we went into the movie… and got pizza and stuff.”

 

Robert is still smiling. It looks good on him. “You can barely walk. But I admire your spirit. I'll have to remember you like that stuff for next time.”

 

“Are you coming inside?” I ask.

 

“I don't know, kid. Should I be?”

 

Should he be? I don't know. What does he mean by that? Is he just asking me permission? Yes? Does he want to come in at all?

 

A wave of fearful realization passes over me. Is he misreading the situation, or am I?

 

“Robert, I-I promise it's not like that, I just wanted to spend more time with you, I just wanted to hang out with you more… I…”

 

Robert eyes me up and down, arms crossed. At first it seems like he doesn’t know what I'm talking about. Then I'm sure he knows. I fidget awkwardly under his stare. Then he smiles again.

 

“I’m glad.” He opens the door for me and goes first inside.

 

That was the question, then.

 

When we get inside and I get my shoes off, I'm already pretty much crashing. I sit down on the couch, and Robert sits next to me.

 

I lean on his shoulder. I'm tired. I'm so glad that he's here, though.

 

“I'm glad that you're here,” I say.

 

Robert pats me on the back in response.

 

“You're a good friend, Robert.”

 

He says nothing. But I know that he appreciates it. Or at least I hope. I lean on him for a while, and we're both quiet. It's kinda nice. It's dark in my house, and I wonder what time it is. I hope Robert’s not uncomfortable that it's dark. I think to ask him if I should turn on the light but the mere thought of a light in my eyes right now hurts me.

 

“I'm glad that you're here,” I say again. I'm talking without thinking. It's not smart, but right now what I'm saying is stuff that's been on my mind all night. “You never said but, I hope this means you forgive me.”

 

“I…” It's clear Robert is struggling with the emotional conversation. “...forgive you.”

 

“You do?” I look up at him. It's dark, but I can still see him fine, it's summer after all and the moon outside is pretty bright through the drawn back curtain behind the couch.

 

He nods, very slightly.

 

“Robert, I… thank you. I didn't think you’d ever forgive me after how mad you were at the marina, I…” I'm kinda getting choked up now. “I didn't even know if you'd talk to me ever again. I was worried about you…”

 

I'm leaning on Robert again.

 

“Robert, I…”

 

I stop. I'm intoxicated. I step back to take a look at my words before I can let them come out.

 

I know I have no better judgement right now, but … the words feel too right to repress.

 

I let them out in a whisper.

 

“I like you.”

 

I hear Robert swallow. He knows what I meant.

 

“Elijah…”

 

I think I’m crying now.

 

I hear Robert take a breath that's similar to a gasp. His hand is warm on my back, comforting me. “Don’t get sad.”

 

He whispers a little _shhh_ sound and it's sweet and gentle and nothing I've ever seen Robert like before.

 

“I-I'm not ... good ... with emotions, ‘lijah. But crying is something I'm pretty familiar with now.”

 

It's such a sad comment… It makes my heart pang for him. I wanna cradle him like he's cradling me right now. Forever.

 

“I like you, Elijah. I like you a lot.” Robert’s voice is gentle, just above a whisper. “But I don't know if I'm really ready for a … relationship ... right now. I’m not the best person either, I…”

 

I _shhh_ him this time. “I understand. Whatever you need. I promise to-” a sad/drunk hiccup interrupts me, “to be good to you from now on. I wanna wait for you.”

 

“Thank you,” Robert whispers, hugging me tightly into his chest.

 

“I really wanna wait for you, Robert, but, Joseph was messaging me, and, and I'm scared…” I’m sobbing openly now. “I’m scared, Robert, I… I’m scared,” I repeat. He keeps holding me. All of my worries and thoughts and fears I've been holding in for the past week just start to spill out of me. “I haven't had sex for like, five _years_ , and, with Joseph, I… when-when he touched me, it felt so good, I… I'm so lonely, Robert, I’ve been so lonely, I never realized it until then but god, I miss kissing and _sex_ and little gentle touches on the hand and _holding_ hands and _hickeys_ and-and... I'm just scared that I won't be able to wait for you. I'm scared that I'm so lonely I might just give in to Joseph and fuck it all up with you again, and with Mary... Mary and I became friends today. I can't do that to her. And you, Robert, you… you…” Robert’s rubbing my back, still holding me tightly as I weep. “I wanna wait for you Robert… I love you.”

 

Is Robert crying, too? I try to look up at him, but he pulls me back tightly to his chest.

 

He removes a hand from me momentarily, to wipe away tears. I hear him sniffle.

 

“I promise I'll be here with you, as best as I can, okay?” he whispers after a while. I can hear the cry in his voice. I pull away from his hug a little to look him in the eyes.

 

“Okay,” I sniffle.

 

Despite all this crying … I feel happy with what's happening. I hope sincerely that Robert feels the same way.

 

Robert and I share some quiet time on the couch together, cuddling. It's peaceful and pleasant. I think I'm all done crying now, and I'm just … very tired. I have no idea what time it is, but I'm starting to fall asleep. I know I should go to bed, and Robert should go home, but …

 

I start to drift off......

 

The last thing I can remember is being slumped against Robert’s shoulder, smelling the scent of Robert, and his alcohol breath on my face as he kisses me gently on the forehead.


	4. Something to Believe In

“Daaaaad!”

 

…

 

...Amanda?

 

God, what time is it?

 

I sit up, trying to rub the sleep from my eyes. My head is pounding. Ugh. I definitely overdid it last night.

 

I look around, and I'm bewildered to find that I'm in my room, on my bed. When did I…? I fell asleep on the couch… With Robert. Robert… must have gone home. And I must have gotten up in the night to go to bed without remembering… I'm a little worried about what else may have happened without me remembering.

 

I run my hands through my hair. Man, I need a shower.

 

“Dad!” Amanda calls again. It's coming from outside my room. She's kind of far away. I'm surprised I even woke up. It must be my dad sense.

 

“Coming…” I call back weakly. Usually she wouldn't bother to call me unless she had something to show me, so I'm confused. It takes me a little while to stand up. My everything hurts. I am not as young as I once was. I need a drink of water so badly. But I have to go see what it is Amanda needs.

 

I can hear her ... talking to someone? Is somebody here? Is that what she’s calling about?

 

I step out of my room.

 

“Amandaaaa? Manda Panda?” No response. I find my way into the living room, and see Amanda standing by the doorway, talking to Robert. I’m still surprised to see him.

 

“Robert?”

 

“Hey.” He meets my surprised gaze past Amanda. I catch a hint of a smile on his lips. It is at this moment I realize I'm still wearing my clothes from the night before, and I definitely look like the hungover mess that I am.

 

Amanda gives us a grin and a “pew, pew,” and finger guns out of the conversation.

 

“What… is up…” I greet, putting my hand on the wall to stabilize myself.

 

“I…” He watches Amanda leave the room out if the corner of his eye before he speaks. “I came to check on you,” he says. He sounds very genuine. “You were pretty wiped out last night.”

 

“Yeah, I…”

 

He laughs a little at me, struggling to stay upright.

 

“When… did you go home last night?” I ask.

 

“Hmm, it was probably like, around 3. Don't remember?”

 

“No…”

 

Robert grins. “Atta boy.”

 

“I don't know how you live like this.”

 

He laughs.

 

“You can come in, you know.”

 

Robert steps into the house, and I get a good whiff of him. He smells freshly showered, freshly cologned... and his hair is neatly combed, I notice for the first time. He must be wearing fresh clothes and all, too.

 

“You shower just for me?”

 

Robert laughs, but there's a blush on his face. I smile.

 

I've never seen Robert this early in the morning, I realize. And he got up even earlier to get all cleaned up before he came. The thought is sugary sweet.

 

“You wanna come… sit down?”

 

“Too hungover to stand upright, huh?”

 

“Yup, let's go.”

 

We sit down at the kitchen island, not before I grab myself a glass of water.

 

“How ya feelin’?” he asks.

 

“Bad. I don't remember you leaving last night. At all. I thought I fell asleep on the couch, too, but I woke up in bed. I didn't do anything crazy, did I?”

 

“Not unless you could call crying and singing ‘Something to Believe In’ from _Newsies_ to me crazy.”

 

Normally such a specific thing coming from Robert is a joke, but now that he said that, I actually _do_ recall a memory of that.

 

“Oh man... I thought I dreamt that. Wait. Did you … sing back?”

 

“You dreamt that part.”

 

“I don't think I did…”

 

“You did,” Robert insists, looking me in the eyes with a _I swear to fucking god Elijah I don't like Disney’s Newsies the musical, shut up Elijah, so help me god, shut up_ kinda look. You know.

 

I'm actually remembering somewhat now. It's fuzzy, but, it's Robert, carrying me to my bed as I drunkenly sing/sob a love song from a Disney musical to him…

 

As he puts me down on my bed, tucking the covers over me, he _sings back_. His voice is … _angelic._  I didn't think I'd ever hear Robert sing in my life, and here it is, so beautiful and melodic and _passionate_. I stare up at him, eyes blown wide.

 

“An angel come to save me…” He’s calling me an angel now. When he is _clearly_ the angel. What a scoundrel. I'm staring up at him, most definitely starry eyed. “...who didn't even know he gave me somethin' to believe in, for even a day. One day may be forever. But that's okay,” he cradles my face in his hands, passionate, “that’s okay.” I'm positively melting. This whole thing feels like a dream. His voice is so gentle and loving. He's really into it, though, too. I didn't know Robert was into musicals.

 

“And if I'm gone tomorrow, what was ours still will be.”

 

I'm mumbling along with him now, but it's just too surreal hearing Robert sing this _beautifully_ (and I am _so_ drunk), so I'm having trouble remembering the words. Why does Robert know them? And are there tears in his eyes?

 

“Do you know what I believe in?” he coos. “Look into my eyes, and see...”

 

...

 

I wish I could remember what came after that. Robert is raising his eyebrows at me. I’m secretly really relieved he can’t do the raising one thing. That’s my ultimate wish, to be able to raise one singular eyebrow.

 

“Uh, so, Elijah,” Robert says after I’m silent for a moment longer. Something’s bugging him. He never wants to talk about things without someone having to pry, but here he is, initiating. It sounds like it’s probably serious.

 

“Mhm?”

 

“About… last night…”

 

A lot of things happened last night. I hope he’ll be more specific.

 

“It’s not… easy for me to talk like this...” He hesitates, swallowing.

 

I nod encouragingly.

 

“But… I need to talk to you about this, I guess…”

 

It’s clear he’s struggling with the conversation.

 

“I-I want to be with you, Elijah. What I said last night … I’ve been thinking about it a lot since. I want to… _talk_ to you about it. I did a lot of deflecting … especially at Jim and Kim’s last night. I wanna say I’m sorry.”

 

“Robert... that means a lot. I’m glad you want to talk about it.”

 

“I … it’s bothering me that I said I’m not ready to be with you. You were crying, and I, I was…”

 

“You were perfect. You comforted me, you were there for me… I couldn’t have asked for anything more.”

 

Robert’s still not happy. “I only said that I’m not ready because I’m afraid.”

 

“It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to not be ready.”

 

He shakes his head. “Ugh, it’s… Listen.”

 

“I’m listening.”

 

“It's not intimacy that I'm afraid of… I’m afraid ... that I'll hurt you. And I'm afraid to lose you. Those are my biggest fears in a relationship, and I didn't want to have to face them, but … I'm afraid of them right now, anyways, just having you as my friend. Denying you the intimacy isn't going to help anybody. And I'm lonely, too. I'm not the same as you are, Elijah, but … I miss all that stuff you said as well. The hand-holding, the … ugh, hickeys. You have such a pretty neck, I just wanna bite into it like a vampire. I wanna eat it.”

 

I stare at him.

 

“But I'm afraid to hurt you. I … I have a daughter, Elijah.” He's avoiding eye contact now. “Her name is Val. I've never told you about her. That should speak volumes about our relationship. It's been years since I've seen her, and … she tried to call me a while ago, and I was so mad over you and Joseph and _myself_ , I just … shut her out. Ignored her. Never answered the phone. I'm a real piece of shit. I'm not good at parenting, or relationships. I hate meaningless sex but I struggle even more with doing the ‘meaning’ part. I'm a hypocrite. I don’t want to get myself into anything else that I’m too dumb to handle.”

 

“Robert…”

 

“Look, what I'm saying is, I want to be with you, but I don't think I should. Only if you want to be with me. And I'm giving you all kinds of reasons to reconsider being with me right now.”

 

I bite my lip. It's so weird and fucked up to see him like this. I want to be with him. I want to help him. I need to tell him what he needs to hear.

 

“You should call Val,” I say, reaching across the counter to place my hand on top of his.

 

Robert seems surprised, and embarrassed. “What?”

 

“You need to call your daughter.” I take his hand in mine. “I do want to be with you. And part of that is doing my best to help you.”

 

Robert would be saying “...” right now, if that was a word that humans could say

 

“I care about you. So... call Val.”

 

“What am I even supposed to say to her.”

 

“Tell her you're sorry?”

 

“I'm sick of telling her I'm sorry. I shouldn't have to, I shouldn't be fucking up so much.”

 

“Rob, don’t beat yourself up, okay? Being a parent is hard. Especially a single parent.” I look down at our hands. “And I’ve made bad choices, too. I was honestly worried that you’d never forgive me for … what happened with Joseph. Yet here you are. People can surprise you. But if you aren’t ready to be with me, that’s okay, too. Don’t pretend to be ready. Please,” I plead, squeezing his hand. “Take your time if that’s what you need. I’m more mature than whatever I might’ve said about Joseph last night. I will admit that I’m still having trouble getting over him, but I _promise_ to never let anything like that happen again. Before last night, I wouldn’t have been able to make this promise. I admit that. I was weak. But I’m making it now. For you, and for Mary. I promise to wait for you, Robert. Okay?”

 

“Okay…”

 

“You look nervous. C’mon.”

 

Robert grunts.

 

“Come on… You’ve faced cryptids, right? Humans shouldn’t scare you.”

 

“...Part of the reason behind my fascination with cryptids and the supernatural is that humans scare me more than anything else. Terrifying mythical creatures are a homely comfort.”

 

“Oh, okay… Pretend I’m Bigfoot then.”

 

Robert cracks a smile finally. “Oh, don’t worry, I do.”

 

“Uh… you know what they say about big feet… question mark?”

 

I release Robert’s hands to get up and retrieve another glass of water. As I’m turning away from the sink, I ... lock eyes with my daughter, standing around the corner from the kitchen, outside of the door to her room.

 

“Hey there, Dad… Wassup?” she leans against the wall and attempts to play it cool, very poorly.

 

“Amanda,” I sigh. “How many times do I have to remind you that it is rude to spy on people?”

 

“Spying?” she gasps. “I was not! You can prove absolutely nothing!”

 

“Hey, don't run away, get back here. You've already been exposed. Come out and experience shame now, in front of Robert.”

 

“Daaaaaaaaaaaad…”

 

“Mandaaaaa,” I mock.

 

She steps out from around the corner, shoulders tense. She gives a miniscule wave to Robert, embarrassed. “Haha, hello, this is funny, right? Okay, bye, now.”

 

Robert says nothing.

 

Amanda scurries away.

 

“Are you going to be really gone away this time?” I call to her.

 

“Yes!” The door to her room is slammed closed.

 

I sigh, turning back to Robert. “Kids…”

 

He’s looking up at me from his seat on the kitchen stool. He looks vaguely bitter.

 

“Yeah,” he agrees eventually, looking down at his hands.

 

“You good?”

 

“You're a really good parent.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

We fall into silence again.

 

Robert notices me twiddling my thumbs after a short while, and he interrupts the silence again. “I should go home, I guess.”

 

Oh man, am I being boring? Or does he think I'm bored. Say something to convince him you aren't, quick!  “Well, just know you're welcome to come back any time.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

That's not quite what I wanted, but it's still okay. If Robert goes home, I can nap.

 

We both stand up, and I walk to the door with him. As he's putting his shoes on, Amanda reappears.

 

She waves wordlessly. Robert nods in acknowledgement.

 

He turns to leave, then he hesitates.

 

“Wait,” he says.

 

“What's up?” I pick these words carefully to be casual enough as to not alert Amanda of anything, but hopefully meaningful enough to convey my feeling of worry to Robert. What's wrong? You can tell me anything babe...

 

“Do you want to meet my dog?” says Robert.

 

What? Where did that even come from?

 

“Who, me?” Amanda asks, hesitant.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well, hell yeah I do! What, is that even a question?”

 

“Wait, Robert, isn't your dog like, a terrifying pitbull?”

 

“Even better!” Amanda declares.

 

I glance at Robert. I'm confused. But whatever he’s doing is a hit with Amanda, I guess. We put on our shoes and follow him out.

 

It's so light outside, it's burning my eyeballs. My head is still aching awfully. God I need that nap.

 

I follow Robert and Amanda two houses over, where Robert unlocks the door, and lets us inside.

 

A small dog that is definitely _not_ a pitbull is running up and jumping up on Amanda, and she squeals with joy.

 

I look at Robert, raising both of my eyebrows, because I can't raise only one, okay? I wish i could, but I can't. I'm ashamed.

 

“Okay, Betsy isn't exactly a pitbull,” he says, patting the dog, “but she's a good girl.”

 

“What about the picture of the dog you showed me, though?”

 

“I keep a picture of a pitbull in my wallet for … storytelling purposes.”

 

Robert…

 

You are so weird.

 

I watch him lean down to talk to the little terrier, telling Amanda about her as she pets her happily.

 

I can't help but smile. I look at this scene before me and I think, this is my life now, then I think, _I'm so fucking glad._

 

Amanda raves about Betsy the whole way home, and I think about Robert. I can see him and Amanda getting along really well, and it makes my heart swell up with joy. I just hope he doesn’t write himself off as a bad father and not give himself a chance at her & me.

 

***

The rest of that day was spent sleeping off the hangover, and the next day I'm up pretty early. 11 o’clock is very early for summer. Shut up.

 

I go out to the Coffee Spoon for some fuel and bring back some banana bread for Amanda and I.

 

I get some work done for a while, then watch some TV and have dinner with my lovely daughter. That evening, I receive a message from Robert:

 

_hey so_

_the past couple days have been_

_a lot for me_

_ive had enough social interaction and yknow_ _emotions for now_

_so im gonna uhhhhhhhh_

_go back to being a hermit for a little while_

_ill think about talking to val._

_thank you for everything._

_and lemme take you out some time k_

_just you n me_

_sober_

_no crying_

_...unless u get sad_

_then its ok_

_i respect that_

 

Elijah:  _I'd like to be drunk again sometime tho if it means you'll sing musicals to me_

 

Robert:  _that didnt happen_

 

I laugh. Robert is so charming in his own way.

 

Elijah:  _Whatever you say_

 

Robert sends me back a heart emoji. It's so sweet, I get a little choked up. I send him back a flurry of heart eye emojis.

 

It doesn't look like Robert is going to reply, and I'm actually okay with that.

 

I don't really know what's going to be in store for us down the road from here, but I'm feeling ready for it, finally. The thought of having Robert with me makes things seem a lot better. All the things that were hard are a little less bad now. Robert is so charming and great that my feelings for Joseph are going to become a fleeting memory. Amanda will be going off to college in just a few months, but ... Robert will be by my side. Robert is going through tough stuff, too, but I'll be there by his side, as well.

 

I pick up the photo of Alex off of the bookshelf. I'm feeling sentimental. I tend to share with her when I get this way. I smile at her fondly for a while, then I set her back down where she belongs. She’s on the bookshelf, but … She’s also in my memory. This time, I know that she's proud of me. I can feel it.

 

I will wait for Robert for as long as he needs. He needs time, and I plan on respecting him and being there for him. He’s going to be here for me, and for Amanda, too, maybe. And hopefully for his daughter, Val. I hope to meet her one day. Maybe soon, maybe not for a while down the road. I really don't know what's in store.

 

Except for Robert.

 

I know that he’s going to be there. I cherish the thought. Life is complicated and full of ridiculous twists and turns… Unpredictable, unforgivable… I know it just as well as anyone. With the harsh unpredictability of life, every wild impossibility being possible … it makes it really nice to have something you can believe in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [song :)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FhVL0Jylm4)


	5. Africa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Africa - Toto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTQbiNvZqaY)  
>  or as I prefer, the [Ninja Sex Party cover](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfetmSF5RP4), because that’s Robert's VA singing. and it's lovely.

The next time I see Mary, Robert and I have been on all kinds of adventures together. Well, maybe not all kinds, but quite a few kinds, at least.

 

Robert holds my hand as we sit together at the bar. I never had him pinned for a clingy type, but I'm not complaining in the slightest.

 

“How’s Joseph?” I ask Mary after a couple of drinks together.

 

I'm sad for Mary’s sake. Even though everything is working well for Rob and I now, there can't always be happy endings for everyone.

 

“He's doing alright, actually,” she says, much to my surprise.

 

I'm taken aback by her quick and lighthearted response. Usually when it comes to Joseph, Mary is wishy-washy, not to mention extremely bitter.

 

“Yeah?” I ask. I hope she'll elaborate without me having to do much prying.

 

“Yeah. For reals. I dunno what happened, but he’s been a lot better this past while.”

 

“Define ‘better',” Robert cuts in.

 

“Like, he was super mopey for, like, weeks after the whole Elijahphase. He was being a dick to me and putting all the house and kid responsibility on me. But he seems to be getting over himself. I don't wanna jump the gun here, but we’re actually the closest to ‘rekindling’ that we’ve been in years.”

 

“Holy shit, really?”

 

Robert looks surprised as well.

 

“Does he know about…?”

 

“You two?” Mary guesses. “He does. He was asking me about you a lot, I'm sorry if you didn't want him to know. There are no secrets in small neighbourhoods.”

 

“Do you know why he’s suddenly over it?” Robert asks. “It seems suspicious to me.”

 

“Yeah, it kinda does,” Mary agrees. “But I'm hoping it's like, he’s finally realizing his mistake, or something. Cause it’s nice, and it takes a lot of that usual daily stress off of me.”

 

“Wow, that's great, Mary.”

 

Robert ‘hmm’s suspiciously, though.

 

“I know better than to trust him blindly, Rob, so don't fret about me. If shit goes wrong I'll tell you right away. Now what's going on with you guys lately?”

 

I shrug. “Not much, I guess?”

 

“Not much, yeah right, you guys are pretty much attached at the hip now. There's some sort of fuckery goin’ on there.”

 

“We had sex in the graveyard.”

 

“Robert-”

 

“The Dover Ghost watched. He’s a sicko.”

 

“Neat.”

 

“And a murderer. I ever told you about…..”

 

I sigh. Robert and Mary continue to laugh about stuff, mostly involving me. I can't care much, though. I'm actually really glad with how this whole crazy thing is turning out.

 

And I'm glad that Joseph and I probably won't have anymore trouble in the future. That’s the best news Mary could have given me. With that relief carrying into my actions, Robert, Mary, and I have an awesome night of partying, and we end up on a weird adventure into a part of town that none of us even recognize. We get lost for almost an hour and end up having to call a cab. We don't even care at _all._  Inside the taxi, Mary grabs shotgun and insists that the driver turn up the radio. He complies, albeit reluctantly.

 

Africa by Toto is playing. The taxi driver sighs. Robert, Mary, and I sing along gleefully all the way to the cul-de-sac, where we part ways and promise to do this same thing again some time.

 

We do, except a different song is on the radio that time. And it might be a different taxi driver. None of us can really remember.

 

Robert calls Val.

 

I meet her, and she gets along very well with Amanda. It makes us both happy.

 

Amanda goes off for college. I cry a lot that day. Robert is there for me, just like I had hoped for.

 

We have sex that night, for the very first time. He really wasn't joking about 'eating' my neck 'like a vampire'. I look battered and bruised by the morning. I couldn't be happier about it.

 

Val promises to come to visit sometimes now. Robert and I switch between staying at each other’s houses, and sometimes going our separate ways. Amanda video calls me a lot and we still get to talk and spend time with each other. Robert and Amanda like each other a lot. It makes my heart weep with joy. Amanda promises to visit soon and she and Robert make plans to go camping out in the woods to find cryptids.

 

Joseph and I actually talk from time to time now. We’re neighbours, and in such a community, it would be impossible for us to ignore each other forever. Especially with how often I hang out with Mary now. He apologized for his behavior. I think him and I might actually be cool again. I still feel somewhat awkward around him, but I think it's going to be okay. Mary and Joseph still have their issues, but they've been a little bit happier lately maybe. I think I actually saw them kiss once. Robert and I are both glad for them.

 

I love Robert. I love him with all of my everything. He's amazing. He’s everything I ever could have asked for and more. He still has days sometimes where he’s too depressed to get out of bed, or where he has a hard time shaving and showering, and I just try my hardest to be here for him. He still has trouble letting me in sometimes. I have trouble with stuff, too. Nothing gets better overnight. Life can never be perfect. It's bitter and sweet sometimes. I still cry whenever I hear the song Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett. But that’s okay.

 

The fall air is chilly, and the last hints of summer are fading to dust. The sun is going down over the horizon ... It's almost representative of a new era in my life. I look out at the sun setting over Maple Bay. Everything looks so beautiful from our thinking spot up on the hill.

 

“Robert?” I call.

 

Robert looks up at me from his whittling. “Yeah?” There's little shavings of wood scattered all over the tailgate with us. We're sitting in the back of his truck, with his dog, Betsy. I pet her.

 

“I'm happy,” I say softly.

 

Robert smiles at me. Then he goes back to his knifework. It’s a little statue of Betsy. Robert is extremely talented. He hums while he works, and I just sit there and watch him. It's pleasant to watch his rough hands wield the knife so swift and delicate, and his tune is melodic and soothing.

 

“I'm happy, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would die for robert.
> 
> this is the longest thing ive ever written in my life, i hope you enjoyed it :')


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